Archive for the ‘Humor’ Tag

The Last Great Garden War   5 comments

The last great garden war has begun.  The fragile detente that has existed between our realm and The Ivy since the First Great Garden war of 1995 has shattered.  And the world is a better place for it.

.. just some of the dozens of lost souls that wandered into Ivy territory and were never seen...

.. just some of the dozens of lost souls that wandered into Ivy territory and disappeared. The horrors they must have seen…

Like most great wars, this one was begun by a beautiful woman.  My wife, the Queen, has obtained a new nativist religion, one that decrees that only those things that spring from the local soil are worthy. She peers across our realm and sees the ivy that has not only crept far beyond the borders established in our 1995 conflict, but even beyond those more liberal lines set after smaller skirmishes.

...all border walls have been brought down in favor of a world without borders...

…piles of brick and stone used to make prior borders.  Perhaps now with the Ivy threat gone, we can truly have a world without borders…

She points one finger and with hoary, doom crow’s voice declares “invasive!”  And I march forward with the tools of war.  Her’s is the face that launched 1000 rakes; but no Helen is she, standing demurely behind the walls letting heroes fight her battles.  Nay, more Artemis than Aphrodite, this warrior woman, war bound and sap-thirsty, wields her pruners like a scythe. And if I falter, if my back cries for relief or my knees for surrender, I only have to look to her, forging far-afield, and giving no quarter to the enemy.

...the tomb of a hero, Hamtaro d'Hamster (d2004), overrun by the Ivy and nearly forgotten...

…the tomb of a hero, Hamtaro d’Hamster (d2004), overrun by the Ivy and nearly forgotten…

And no quarter can be given, for this battle does not stop at prior borders.  No it continues deep into the enemy’s ancestral home, where the Ivy has lived since even before my grandfather, The Old King, ruled these lands; and where the roots grow thick as my wrist and plumb deep into the earth.  And not only ivy falls to our assault.  Those that sought sanctuary there, the hated sumac, the decorative grasses, the carpet rose we had long tolerated because of it’s beauty.  “Invasive!” she calls and they feel the wrath of a Queen.

...the carnage of war. Over 20 lawn and leaf bags were called into service to dispose of the enemy...

…the carnage of war. Over 20 lawn and leaf bags were called into service to dispose of the enemy…

The battles seemed never-ending. Tendrils sought eyes, roots tripped boot, and thorn pierced through glove.  But my lady says we must succeed, so succeed we did, driving a stake through the taproot of the enemy.  Some outposts remained, but cutoff from their homeland they will whither and die.  The war is done.

..the battle has left the earth bare, but this will someday be the home of more royal gardens...

..the battle has left the earth bare, but this will someday be the home of the Royal Shade Garden…

Still, last night I dreamed that the enemy had planted seeds in my head, and stem and leave sprouted from my eyes and ears.  And the queen did shout ‘Invasive” before swinging rake and exposing the pulp of my brain.  And when I awoke I found a leaf upon my chest.  I crushed it within my clenched fest, just a small, fragile thing, but still a reminder, that some battles can never truly end.  I will remain ever vigilant for my Queen.

...this barbie was found facedown in a shallow grave on the border...why did she wander so close to danger? What secrets did she keep?

…this barbie was found facedown in a shallow grave on the border…why did she wander so close to danger? What secrets did she keep?

 

 

That Awkward Conversation Thousands of Men are Having Right Now   Leave a comment

Hi, honey, why are you on my computer….Is that the Ashley Madison info dump you’re paging through?  C’mon, you really don’t think I… oh look…what a surprise.  There’s my name right there on the screen…

..with five stars next to it...I wonder what that means....

…with five stars next to it…what could that possibly mean?

 

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted August 19, 2015 by Jim Knipp in Catnip

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The Obligatory end-of-year Retrospective   3 comments

I thought I had 2012 all figured out.  After all, The Mayans warned us, and Roland Emmerich was kind enough to provide a road map on how to survive with his excellent documentary, 2012.  I’ve spend the last three years since the film’s release building an ark, hording beans, and waiting for the neutrino-enabled polar shifts to send those mega-tsunamis across New Jersey.

which, you know, wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing

which, you know, wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing

Alas, looks like Roland and the Mayans were a little off and my planning was for naught.  It also looks like 2013 is going to be a bit stinky in the KnippKnopp household (We’ve got a crapload of beans to eat!)  I guess since I’m not fending off hordes of squid-faced Cthullu barbarians, I should have some time to reflect on the things that did happen in 2012, at least before I head to BJs for that crate of air freshener.

By decree, in 2013 the Knipp House Sigil shall be this

By decree, in 2013 the Knipp House Sigil shall be this

I guess of first note is I restarted this blog.  After a nearly two year absence, Social Media guru Don Lafferty challenged me to create an editorial schedule and commit towards weekly updates.  I haven’t been entirely faithful, especially of late; but it’s been a blast writing this stuff, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading as well.

From the writing perspective, It’s been a coin of two sides (you know, as opposed to those 11-sided coins they use in some countries).  While still numbering among the great unwashed (and unpaid), I have posted 25 blog entries. In six months, I have nearly equaled two decades worth of output. I’ve rewritten several old pieces, including the novel start for “The Triumvirate” that won second prize for Young Adult entries at the PWC this year.  I created two new short pieces: “No Fun Joe” – which has appeared in our writers group anthology, “Tall Tales and Short Stories from South Jersey” (now available at Amazon) and “Decisions”, pulled together as part of a writing exercise.

On the other side, I continue to receive rejections for my poor, lonely bridesmaids.  Both “Change” and “House Sitting” have received multiple responses of “I really like this, but…”  I still believe in these stories, and the feedback has been universally positive, I just can’t find them a home.  I also decided to rewrite my novella “Jonesing” and turn it into a full-length novel.  I had some good movement early, adding nearly 9,000 words, but that has stalled of late and I think I might need to start over my starting over.

and for my 257th draft, "Jonesing:  The Musical"

and for my 257th draft, “Jonesing: The Musical”

I had the opportunity to travel a little more than usual this year.  Kabletown sent me to New Hampshire, to the Walter Kaitz Fundraising dinner in New York, and to visit wonderful and weird Portland, Oregon. The geek-buddies and I drove out to Indianapolis for my second GenCon and we basked in nerdtopia for an excellent (if exhausting) three days.

The KnippKnopp family returned to our favorite shore town in Sea Isle City. I made another sad attempt at a vacation beard, and reflected on the many years we’ve been returning to the best place “downashore”.  My memories have taken on special significance as Hurricane Sandy came barreling through in the fall and changed thousands of lives forever.  Our thoughts and prayers are with those folks as they rebuild.

I survived zombie training with the awesome guys and ladies at ZSC, and discovered that – should the zombie apocalypse occur — my nickname will most likely be ‘Lunch’.  It turns out it’s really hard to fire a crossbow or shoot a gun when you can’t wink, so I better start stocking up on shooter’s patches now.  I also survived another Philadelphia Writers Conference, and got to hang with the lovely and talent (and soon to be published) Kathryn Craft, not to mention authors Jonathon Maberry, Maria Lamba, and Caridad Pineiro.  I also became a member of the PWC executive board and have taken on new responsibilities as registrar for the 2013 conference.

Welcome to the board, we'll unshackle you in June

Welcome to the board, now build that registration site.

This has been a year of milestones for the significant others in my life.  My oldest baby turned 18 and graduated High School, my middle turned sweet 16, and my youngest is now officially a teenager.  I spent a lot of 2012 weepily looking through baby pictures and remembering them as toddlers. My youngest brother-in-law got married, and that too makes me pause in amazement.  Damn kid was six years old when I met his sister, now I’m attending his bachelor party.  Said bachelor party, by the way, became the inspiration for “No Fun Joe.”

Other milestones: my Mom and both In-laws became official senior citizens this year.  At 83, my Stepmom continues to represent my octogenarian fan base; and my father turned the much-less-fun-than-it-sounds age of 69 and discovered a new career as a computer repair guy

Politics and current events were major influences this year, and I ended up getting caught in the fray of the presidential election.  I tried to keep it light, but some folks make it really hard.  Hopefully these guys can start working together because the country – really the whole world – needs them.  Early returns, however, sure ain’t positive.

Our last congressional caucus meeting

The new Senate rules are truly hardcore

As for 2013 goals, well I’ve got a PWC registration site to build and a novel to restart. I’ll continue to submit The Bridesmaids until I finally marry off these gals.  I’d like to start a few new stories that have been percolating around the old brainpan for months, including a nifty little tale about a lonely boy and his zombie.  And finally, I need to renew my commitment to you.  I want to get back on the weekly schedule, which means 52 new posts to contemplate.  If anyone has suggestions for any of them, I’m all ears!

seriously, I don't want to talk about it

seriously, I don’t want to talk about it

Here’s to a safe and wonderful new year.

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