That Awkward Conversation Thousands of Men are Having Right Now

Hi, honey, why are you on my computer….Is that the Ashley Madison info dump you’re paging through?  C’mon, you really don’t think I… oh look…what a surprise.  There’s my name right there on the screen…

..with five stars next to it...I wonder what that means....
…with five stars next to it…what could that possibly mean?


…OK, that’s NOT me!  There’s what, 6 billion people in this world?  There are probably dozens – maybe hundreds –  of people with my name.  Look, this guy’s into Catholic school-girls, One Direction,  and rodent cosplay….I don’t even know what that is.

...and you know grey isn't my best color...
…and you know grey isn’t my best color…


What’s that you say? He’s the same age, height, weight, and income? I know, another crazy coincidence….and guys always lie on these things.  So obviously if it was me it wouldn’t look anything like me, right? And I sure as hell wouldn’t put our address out there, the one I share with my beloved wife and children?  What kind of monster do…..why yes, that does look like my mother’s address…weird, huh.

...dear, some girl named Ashley stopped by today, does she know your wife?
…dear, some girl named Ashley stopped by today, does she know your wife?

OK, fine that is my information.  But I didn’t put it there.  It was Bob,  you remember Bob, my old boss?  Boss Bob?  Yeah, remember I told you how upset he was during his divorce.  He just needed some support, and I said “Hey Bob, why don’t you register for that Ashley Madison thing?  Have a little fling, that will make you feel better.”  And he was all like, “I can’t put my name out there, if my wife finds out I’ll never see my kids.”  And then he suggested if I didn’t let him use my name and information, it would reflect badly in my next review.  I know Bob seemed like a nice guy, but he could be a bit of a dick.

…Bob always liked a team player…

How did Bob get my credit card number?  Don’t be silly, that’s probably just a made up number…oh wow, you got my credit card out of my wallet, and the numbers match.  That was quick…never really saw you move like that before.  I guess those spin classes are working out…

...not nearly as good as the kickboxing...
…not nearly as much as the kickboxing…

Alright…I’m going to come clean.  It was me.  I registered for the site.  But it wasn’t to have an affair.  It was for research.  Really, I’m writing a book.  It’s about this guy married to some crazy chick.  And he’s a player, runs around on her, real scumbag, you know? And then his wife finds out and she loses it…. makes fake diaries and then stages her own murder so she can frame the cheating bastard.  What?  That’s the plot for Gone Girl?  Darn, you’re right. All the good ideas are taken already., you haven't been saving gallons of your own blood lately, have you?
…um, you haven’t been saving gallons of your own blood lately, have you?

Oh good, you’re closing down the web browser.  Really for the best, honey.  Not sure why you’d even be checking, you know….oh, I see you’ve moved onto that divorce lawyer’s website….Bleedum, Goode, and Howe.

I guess I’ll just pack that bag now.

Stupid hackers…




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