Les Miz, Part Duex

It’s s little known fact,  but Victor Hugo had actually written a sequel to Les Miserables. The story displays writing  techniques and style unknown for the time, so for the sake of his “legacy”, the puritanical French Literature gestapo hid the manuscript for years.

Well we here at KnippKnopp laugh in the face of legacy, and by using all of the tools and techniques at our disposal (A bookshelf full of Dan Brown novels, our favorite Pepe LePeau lunchbox, and Hercule Poirot’s secret decoder monocle) we managed to secure ourselves a copy, which I’ve decided to turn into a screenplay, just in time for this year’s wide release of Les Miserables into American Theaters.

Les Miz was released LAST year, and we're not wearing any clothes?  Why doesn't anyone tell me these things!
Wait! Les Miz was released LAST year, and we’re not wearing any clothes? Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things!

Because  I know my rabid fanbase is dying for this, I’ve decided to post some extracts…just a few crumbs of cake  for your consumption……Just a heads up, Hugo’s title was a little clunky (Les Miserable Part Duex: Les Miserablerers), so I’ve decided to call it simply:




A young man in a white lab coat sits dejectedly on a log at the waters edge.  It is Victor Frankenstein, depressed because he’s run out of bodies on which to run his experiments.

VICTOR(singing):                        (to the tune of Who am I)
                                                         What …what kind of man am I?
                                                           Is my science all a lie?
                                                           And if I cannot conquer death
                                                          What good am I to my wife ‘beth?

Victor spots a body, clad in blue floating down the river. It is JAVERT, after his unfortunate back breaking dive into the Seine.

 VICTOR (singing):                      Oh Sweet Serendipity
                                                        What have you delivered unto me?
                                                        Is this an answer to my plea, 
                                                        but boy this guys a mess to see!
                                                       What am I….I’m Frankenstein!

Victor drags the body away into the forest

Act I Scene 2

An old laboratory (pronounced la-BOR-atory, of course)

Thunder clashes, lightning flashes, a new mother cries… and VICTOR stands before a shrouded figure.

VICTOR  (singing):                   What have I done, sweet Jesus what does this mean?
                                                     An Abomination, is he man or machine
                                                     With nuts and bolts and energies unclean
                                                     All powered by the joyful wonders of steam!

VICTOR whips the sheet from the figure, revealing the misshapen form of the Javert3000, it arises, one cybernetic eye glowing with hellish light.

The Javert3000, complete with Kung Fu Grip
The Javert3000, complete with Kung Fu Grip


VICTOR:                            I must destroy it!

VOICE (OFF STAGE)        Not so fast!


KING LOUIE (singing): (to the tune of “Master in the House”)

                                                                 Frankenstein…what are you doing?
                                                                 I’ve paid you well,
                                                                that’s MY soldier with which you’re screwing
VICTOR (singing)                                 King Louie, understand
                                                                  it’s neither beast nor man
                                                                 It’s going to throw your kingdom in a garbage can
                                                                Don’t be a circus clown
                                                                He’ll cost you that crown
                                                                Just stand aside and let me work, I’ll shut him down
KING LOUIE (singing):                     Nonsense Man, you’ve done real swell
                                                               I always intended to release all Hell
                                                              We’ll sic him on those rebels and play bocce with their heads as well

KING LOUIE motions to the Javert3000 and the steampowered cyborg lashes out with one mighty arm and knocks VICTOR clear across the room, unconscious. KING LOUIE and JAVERT3000 exit.

The Remainder of Act I and First Part of Act II depicts Javert3000 ravaging the countryside in his never ending quest for the last revolutionary, Marius. Along the way, he learns to talk, and then – most unfortunately – to sing in Russell Crowe’s voice.

Act II, Scene 4

A Graveyard 

Cosette and Marius stand by Jean Valjean’s grave

Cosette (singing)                   Papa, how I miss you so
                                                  It’s been a year,
                                                 my grief, will it ever go?
Marius (singing)                  Come Cosette, it’s no longer safe to stay
                                                That Steampunk Cyborg’s quickly on his way

They exit the graveyard.  As they leave, the earth atop Jean Valjean’s grave begins to tremble.  Suddenly a filthy hand,  almost a skeletal with skin molded to the bones, bursts from the grave.  After a moment, long, sharp bone claws leap from the wrist with a pronounced SNIKT.

Imagine something like this, only drawn by someone with actual talent
Imagine this, only drawn by someone with actual talent

At the end of Act II, Jean Valjean returns to his home in a feral state.  While there, he slices and dices the creepy factory foreman who got Fantine fired, the creepy nobleman who got her arrested, and for good measure, the stupid doctor for not inventing penicillin for another century.  I mean, if she just had some stupid penicillin, she wouldn’t have died and I wouldn’t have spent two hours sobbing in a theater last Christmas and losing what little respect my wife and daughters had for me.

Anyway, he is finally brought out of his feral state by the love of Cosette and by frequent visits from Fantine who, for some reason kept her hair short in heaven, I guess because the pixie cut looked really cute on her.  They have lots of near misses, Jean Valjean sings a brand new song about his love of his new mutant healing power, and the healing power of little golden statues that you can get by making up new songs and putting them into old musicals.  Ultimately, of course there has to be a final confrontation which brings us to:

Act III, Scene 6

A barren mountaintop

Valjean and Javert face off near the base of a cliff.  Cosette lies nearly off scene, injured, and is being tended to by a frantic Marius, who has proven his worth in battle by once again getting knocked out and spending most of Act 3 unconscious.

JAVERT (singing):                    At last, Valjean you’ll meet your death at last

VALJEAN (singing):                  Been there, bub, and don’t plan on going back

They engage in a terrific battle, back and forth along the cliff face.  Just as it seems that Valjean has gained the upper hand, there is a scream from above and the Thenardiers and their band of French Ninja Bandits come rappelling down the cliff  to join the battle.  They beat Valjean back, inflicting horrible wounds too quickly for his healing factor to keep up.  Suddenly, light bursts from the sky and Fantine comes charging from the heavens.  But this is no wispy, gamine Fantine, no!  This is warrior Fantine with swords and boobs and completely illogical armor placed in various and sundry places.

Immediately after the movie's release, she'll be featured in a new series on the WB, Fantine: Avenging Angel
Immediately after the movie’s release, she’ll be featured in a new series on the WB, Fantine: Avenging Angel

But it doesn’t matter, because King Louie appears and starts putting on some pretty nasty ninja moves himself.  And the Marquis De Sade is there too, and starts choking Fantine with his Cthullu dark energy whip!  And just when it seems all is lost, Dr. Frankenstein comes swooping in his newly invented steam powerglider and leaps onto Javert 3000’s back.

VICTOR (singing):                    One Day More has finally come
                                                    Try this hat, it’s just your size
                                                    It will show you what is lawful
                                                   It will steal King Louie’s prize

He crams a gleaming military hat onto Javert 3000 head and suddenly everything stops!

JAVERT (singing):                    I have not seen before today
                                                 That law and right are not exclusive

A beam of light erupts from Javert’s cybernetic eye and the Thernariers and their ninjas burst into screaming balls of flame.

JAVERT (singing)                  There has always been another way
                                                 A path I’d always found elusive

He steps forward and with one mighty swing of his cybernetic arm, sends the Marquis De Sade flying over the cliff.  He approaches King Louie, who is now kneeling on the ground, cringing in fear.  From behind him, a wounded (but healing) Valjean staggers to his feet.

VALJEAN (singing):                  But if we can work together

FANTINE (singing)                  And put our differences aside

JAVERT(singing):                     We can make the world much better

KING LOUIE:                          Hey fellas, how ’bout we let this slide?

The three strike King Louie at the same time, Javert with his cybernetic arm, Valjean with his bone claws, Fantine with her +5 Holy Avenger.  King Louie explodes in a mushroom cloud.   All around France, people see the light and understand that they are free and much rejoicing ensues.

Nuclear power...saving the world from tyranny since 1814!
Nuclear power…saving the world from tyranny since 1814!

Back at the mountaintop, the heroes stand in triumph, joined by the spirits of those who passed before them…..

All:                               We have killed ourselves a tyrant
                                    We have set things all aright
                                    We have made things nice and peaceful
                                    With one big old badass fight
                                    But know this, future despots
                                    And Napoleon this means you
                                    If you try anything funny
                                    You’ll find this bill comes due
                                    For now we’ll fade into the sunset
                                    We’ve done our heroes chore
                                    We’ll be back when ever you needs us
                                    We’ll be back in One Day More!


I don’t know about you, but I smell Oscar!

no, seriously Oscar...you stink!
no, seriously Oscar…you stink!

3 Replies to “Les Miz, Part Duex”

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