It’s s little known fact, but Victor Hugo had actually written a sequel to Les Miserables. The story displays writing techniques and style unknown for the time, so for the sake of his “legacy”, the puritanical French Literature gestapo hid the manuscript for years.
Well we here at KnippKnopp laugh in the face of legacy, and by using all of the tools and techniques at our disposal (A bookshelf full of Dan Brown novels, our favorite Pepe LePeau lunchbox, and Hercule Poirot’s secret decoder monocle) we managed to secure ourselves a copy, which I’ve decided to turn into a screenplay, just in time for this year’s wide release of Les Miserables into American Theaters.
Because I know my rabid fanbase is dying for this, I’ve decided to post some extracts…just a few crumbs of cake for your consumption……Just a heads up, Hugo’s title was a little clunky (Les Miserable Part Duex: Les Miserablerers), so I’ve decided to call it simply:
ONE DAY MORE
ACT I, SCENE I
A young man in a white lab coat sits dejectedly on a log at the waters edge. It is Victor Frankenstein, depressed because he’s run out of bodies on which to run his experiments.VICTOR(singing): (to the tune of Who am I) What …what kind of man am I? Is my science all a lie? And if I cannot conquer death What good am I to my wife ‘beth?
Victor spots a body, clad in blue floating down the river. It is JAVERT, after his unfortunate back breaking dive into the Seine.VICTOR (singing): Oh Sweet Serendipity What have you delivered unto me? Is this an answer to my plea, but boy this guys a mess to see! What am I….I’m Frankenstein!
Victor drags the body away into the forest
Act I Scene 2
An old laboratory (pronounced la-BOR-atory, of course)
Thunder clashes, lightning flashes, a new mother cries… and VICTOR stands before a shrouded figure.VICTOR (singing): What have I done, sweet Jesus what does this mean? An Abomination, is he man or machine With nuts and bolts and energies unclean All powered by the joyful wonders of steam!
VICTOR whips the sheet from the figure, revealing the misshapen form of the Javert3000, it arises, one cybernetic eye glowing with hellish light.
VICTOR: I must destroy it!
VOICE (OFF STAGE) Not so fast!
Enter KING LOUIE
KING LOUIE (singing): (to the tune of “Master in the House”)Frankenstein…what are you doing? I’ve paid you well, that’s MY soldier with which you’re screwing VICTOR (singing) King Louie, understand it’s neither beast nor man It’s going to throw your kingdom in a garbage can Don’t be a circus clown He’ll cost you that crown Just stand aside and let me work, I’ll shut him down KING LOUIE (singing): Nonsense Man, you’ve done real swell I always intended to release all Hell We’ll sic him on those rebels and play bocce with their heads as well
KING LOUIE motions to the Javert3000 and the steampowered cyborg lashes out with one mighty arm and knocks VICTOR clear across the room, unconscious. KING LOUIE and JAVERT3000 exit.
The Remainder of Act I and First Part of Act II depicts Javert3000 ravaging the countryside in his never ending quest for the last revolutionary, Marius. Along the way, he learns to talk, and then – most unfortunately – to sing in Russell Crowe’s voice.
Act II, Scene 4
Cosette and Marius stand by Jean Valjean’s graveCosette (singing) Papa, how I miss you so It’s been a year, my grief, will it ever go? Marius (singing) Come Cosette, it’s no longer safe to stay That Steampunk Cyborg’s quickly on his way
They exit the graveyard. As they leave, the earth atop Jean Valjean’s grave begins to tremble. Suddenly a filthy hand, almost a skeletal with skin molded to the bones, bursts from the grave. After a moment, long, sharp bone claws leap from the wrist with a pronounced SNIKT.
At the end of Act II, Jean Valjean returns to his home in a feral state. While there, he slices and dices the creepy factory foreman who got Fantine fired, the creepy nobleman who got her arrested, and for good measure, the stupid doctor for not inventing penicillin for another century. I mean, if she just had some stupid penicillin, she wouldn’t have died and I wouldn’t have spent two hours sobbing in a theater last Christmas and losing what little respect my wife and daughters had for me.
Anyway, he is finally brought out of his feral state by the love of Cosette and by frequent visits from Fantine who, for some reason kept her hair short in heaven, I guess because the pixie cut looked really cute on her. They have lots of near misses, Jean Valjean sings a brand new song about his love of his new mutant healing power, and the healing power of little golden statues that you can get by making up new songs and putting them into old musicals. Ultimately, of course there has to be a final confrontation which brings us to:
Act III, Scene 6
A barren mountaintop
Valjean and Javert face off near the base of a cliff. Cosette lies nearly off scene, injured, and is being tended to by a frantic Marius, who has proven his worth in battle by once again getting knocked out and spending most of Act 3 unconscious.
JAVERT (singing): At last, Valjean you’ll meet your death at last
VALJEAN (singing): Been there, bub, and don’t plan on going back
They engage in a terrific battle, back and forth along the cliff face. Just as it seems that Valjean has gained the upper hand, there is a scream from above and the Thenardiers and their band of French Ninja Bandits come rappelling down the cliff to join the battle. They beat Valjean back, inflicting horrible wounds too quickly for his healing factor to keep up. Suddenly, light bursts from the sky and Fantine comes charging from the heavens. But this is no wispy, gamine Fantine, no! This is warrior Fantine with swords and boobs and completely illogical armor placed in various and sundry places.
But it doesn’t matter, because King Louie appears and starts putting on some pretty nasty ninja moves himself. And the Marquis De Sade is there too, and starts choking Fantine with his Cthullu dark energy whip! And just when it seems all is lost, Dr. Frankenstein comes swooping in his newly invented steam powerglider and leaps onto Javert 3000’s back.VICTOR (singing): One Day More has finally come Try this hat, it’s just your size It will show you what is lawful It will steal King Louie’s prize
He crams a gleaming military hat onto Javert 3000 head and suddenly everything stops!JAVERT (singing): I have not seen before today That law and right are not exclusive
A beam of light erupts from Javert’s cybernetic eye and the Thernariers and their ninjas burst into screaming balls of flame.JAVERT (singing) There has always been another way A path I’d always found elusive
He steps forward and with one mighty swing of his cybernetic arm, sends the Marquis De Sade flying over the cliff. He approaches King Louie, who is now kneeling on the ground, cringing in fear. From behind him, a wounded (but healing) Valjean staggers to his feet.
VALJEAN (singing): But if we can work together
FANTINE (singing) And put our differences aside
JAVERT(singing): We can make the world much better
KING LOUIE: Hey fellas, how ’bout we let this slide?
The three strike King Louie at the same time, Javert with his cybernetic arm, Valjean with his bone claws, Fantine with her +5 Holy Avenger. King Louie explodes in a mushroom cloud. All around France, people see the light and understand that they are free and much rejoicing ensues.
Back at the mountaintop, the heroes stand in triumph, joined by the spirits of those who passed before them…..All: We have killed ourselves a tyrant We have set things all aright We have made things nice and peaceful With one big old badass fight But know this, future despots And Napoleon this means you If you try anything funny You’ll find this bill comes due For now we’ll fade into the sunset We’ve done our heroes chore We’ll be back when ever you needs us We’ll be back in One Day More! One….Day….More!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don’t know about you, but I smell Oscar!